Wolverine and The X-Men #17 - Doop Translations

Luckily, my wife picked up the X-Statix Omnibus awhile back in which I read cover-to-cover. It was like Rosetta Stone for Doop speak. So here's your Wolverine y Los X-Manos #17 translations:

Cover

Doop:          "If you think this is ridiculous, wait'll you see what happens on the inside."

Wolverine:  "You said it, bub."

Page 5

Wolverine:   "What do you say, Doop? Are ypu ready top be and X-Man?"

Doop:           "I think I'm good right where I'm at. Too bad you didn't ask back when being an X-Man still meant something."

Wolverine:   "Very funny, but I'm not leaving until you say yes."

Doop:           "Quit yourself."

Page 7

Wolverine:    "I'll give you full medical and dental. You get to set your own hours. You'll answer only to me."

Doop:            "Hmm...I'm thinking about it."

Doop:            "We'll talk more after you're done."

Wolverine:    "Fine. But if you don't say yes after this, to hell with you."

Wolverine:     "My name is James, and this is my impression of Cyclops...with six-inch claws stabbed into his face."

Doop:             "Okay. You win. I'm yours."

Page 9

ALERT!

Doop:             "Wha..!?"

Page 10

Nazi Bowler:  "Splendid. Ready your balls fpr destruction, my brothers!"

Doop:             "You can say that again!"

Page 11

Nazi Bowler:  "You dare! You dare steal the ball of a fourth reich thursday night intramural league champion! return it at once, you green-skinned monstrosity!"

Doop:              "If you insist."

Page 15

Howard the Duck:  "We've been in some tough spots before, pal, but never anything like this. What do you think we oughtta do?"

Doop:              "Kill them all, or die trying."

Page 17

Sabretooth:    "Damn it, you green lump of snot. Are you even listening to me?!"

Doop:             " I am now."

Hope that helps! I loved this issue and hope we get to see more Wolverine and Doop adventures, but only penciled by Mike Allred. This has inspired me to create a Doop font set.

Underwater Welder - More reasons to love Jeff Lemire

I promised myself last night that I would go on to Comixology and purchase a digital copy of Underwater Welder once my paycheck cleared. Well, it did and I did. I sat down with my Kindle tonight after having dinner with some friends and started reading. I am a pretty slow reader and I tend to linger on artwork for awhile, especially when I'm reading Jeff Lemire, but I couldn't stop and I completed the entire book and it's past my bedtime and I don't care because I need to talk about this. Jeff Lemire is dangerously good at sequential storytelling. What I mean by that is that I feel as though every time I read a Lemire written and drawn presentation, I am worried that he is peaking. I'm worried that someday, he will have gotten so good at pulling all of the right heart strings, that he won't have anywhere to go but down. How can he continue to create such moving literature? When the day comes that I put down a Jeff Lemire book and say it wasn't his best, I will stop reading comics.

How do we find ourselves caring so deeply for these characters? How can he tell a bigger story with a few splashes of ink than most artists can tell with their greatest collection of works? If I knew how he did it, I still couldn't hope to actually do it so beautifully.

I really don't want to give any details to this book in review form. You just have to experience it for yourself. The man just weaves miracles. It reminds me of Amelia from the comic Chew. She is a journalist who has the ability to write about food with such passion and detail, that the reader can actually feel the sensation of eating the food she's describing. Jeff Lemire has the power to magically pull us into his story and turn on an empathy that we weren't aware we were capable of.

There are no superheroes or space creatures or cybernetic dinosaurs or death rays in his tales, only realistic people with realistic skeletons in their closets. In a way, we must bare the weight of their world. You owe it to yourself to read everything that Jeff Lemire writes and illustrates. Sure, Animal Man, Frankenstein, and Justice League Dark are good mainstream comics, but I don't feel as if he is given the freedom to really pour his soul into these books.

Check out Underwater Welder, and if you haven't already, read Essex County, Lost Dogs, and his ongoing title Sweet Tooth. It will make you appreciate sequential storytelling in a brand new way.

The Amazin' Spidey-Man...4?

No, it's not Spider-Man 4. It's Spider-Man 1 Reloaded. Whatever. I'm not even going to delete that.

In true Hollywood fashion, let's start over.

The Amazing Spider-Man is a reboot of a series of successful films from the early 2000's. Why this series of films needed a reboot, you ask? Of course you would wonder why, and of course I will explain it in great detail.

When I get tired of my diatribe, I have a special exit strategy. Be very excited.

The Amazing Spider-Man needed a reboot for some very simple reasons.

1. Mechanical web-shooters.
2. Gwen Stacy.

Aside from the terrible chemistry that Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst had, these are really the only reasons. Gwen Stacy is Peter Parker's first girlfriend and his web-shooters are supposed to be mechanical. To satisfy all of the elitist fanboys out their(me), a new movie was required to fix these problems. That's it.

Oh, and the last movie with Venom and The Sandman was a joke that ruined any goodwill that the first two movies garnered...
...but enough about why we have a reboot and on to the reboot itself.

Since most of the origin of Spider-Man has already been seen on the silver screen, we can't help but compare the two portrayals. I think both films(Spidey 1 and Amazing) did a swell job of telling the origin of our friendly neighborhood goofball. I enjoyed this version just as much as the original, except I liked Andrew Garfield way more. Also, Emma Stone gave us a great Gwen.

As much as the protagonists improved, we all know that the villains make or break the story. Rhys Ifans gave us a pretty good Dr. Curt Conners. I would dare to say that it's almost on par with Willem Defoe as Norman Osborn. Almost. The only few things I didn't like were in regards to how The Lizard looked and sounded. I hated that he didn't have a snout. I disliked that his skin was more snakey, and less crocodiley. Although we saw some brief scenes in which he had the lab coat on in his lizard form, I wish he had it the entire time. I can deal with the shirt and pants missing. I just don't like the way that that it was attempted to try to keep him, well, still human.

On another note, I didn't like the way that Ifans' voice translated to Lizard speak. He sounds like Draco Malfoy in most scenes and instead of hearing him say "Parker", I heard "Potter". When he says "Poor Peter Parker. No mother. No Father. No Uncle.", I swear I thought I was watching Harry Potter.

In case you can't read the dialogue in this picture, The Lizard is saying "LIZARD TAKE MONKEY BRAIN. LIZARD NO LONGER DUMB. YOU ARE PREY.", to which Spidey replies "You're not as smart as you think you are."

Basically, from my understanding, when Conners transforms into The Lizard, for what he gains in physical strengths, he sacrifices intellectual strength and becomes no more than a somewhat cognizant animal. I realize that his master plan of infecting the entire city with lizarditis wouldn't have really been feasible if he wasn't still intelligent in his augmented state, but that's why The Lizard has never been a part of a larger group of villains.

In closing, I thought this movie was really enjoyable and I saw it twice. That's the second time this year I've seen a comic movie twice, and the last time I did that was for Iron Man.

While I think that it would be foolish to do a Sinister Six trilogy, I do look forward to more Spidey movies. I don't know how the filmmakers will manage to bring back The Green Goblin and Doc Ock, but only time will tell, I suppose. I give The Amazing Spider-Man two mechanical web-shooters up and one broken-necked Gwen Stacy to the left. Oh...I promised you an exit strategy. feast your eyes on the menacing Lizardcycle!

X-Statix Omnibus

My wife is awesome and gifted to me the X-Statix Omnibus for our fourth wedding anniversary. I just wanted to thank her profusely for this. My only complaint is that it didn't come with a forklift.

This thing measures at an oversized 7.25" wide, 11" tall and an absurd 2.5" thick.  Its page count clocks in at 1200, which is almost 500 pages longer than any Deathly Hallow I've ever seen, and weighs in at a meaty 8.2 pounds. I dropped it on one of my fingers and have yet to regain feeling in said extremity. I think we're going to have to amputate. I word to the people likely to read the introduction written by Mike Allred; it has spoilers. Not that I think the people shelling out the cash for this thing haven't read the full series in single issue format, but people die and it's all right there in the foreword. I haven't read one page of any of the books contained in the omnibus, so it's all new to me.

The price tag may scare some people, but I think it's well worth it. It's all of the related X-Force/X-Statix/Tie-In materials in one volume. It stands alone as a complete work. Peter Milligan is a masterful scribe, and Mike and Laura Allred are the perfect artistic team for this work. Not to mention that when when the Allreds take the day off, their seats are filled by none other than Darwyn Cooke. This hefty tome is an encyclopedia of stylistic pulp comics. It is really a tribute to the way comics looked in their prime, mixed with the way comics are written in the modern day.

For those not familiar with exactly what this story is about, it's basically a team of mutants that takes the name of the clandestine team X-Force and is sponsored by a producer of a reality show about mutant superheroes that stars the team. It's all from the point of view, literally, of a floating green blob named Doop who speaks in an alien tongue and carries the teams recording equipment in his belly.

Since this is a television show with ratings and such, when people get bored of certain characters, like any other TV dramas, those characters are killed off, except this is a reality show, so the living characters actually die. It's interesting and this was written before I had seen any other fiction that functioned as a commentary for reality television. I know Battle Royale was a similar idea and predates this, but it's not ripping it off the way that Hunger Games has been accused of.

The retail price of this beast is at a steep $125.00, but I think it's well worth that price. Discount Comic Book Service has it for a mere $75.00, and my wife got it from Barnes & Noble's website for $65.00. For those prices it's thievery. I give the X-Statix Omnibus two enthusiastic Gin Genies up.

My monthly comic pulls

I have managed to get my monthly reading list down to a manageable size. I buy exclusively through DCBS now, because I'm an asshole who isn't supporting my local shop. My pull list is pretty shrunken, so there's really no excuse for not just buying weekly at the shop. Perhaps I will have a change of heart soon.

Currently reading religiously:

Wolverine and The X-Men
Uncanny X-Force
X-Factor
X-Men Legacy
Daredevil
Animal Man
Swamp Thing
Sweet Tooth
The Unwritten
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Saga

Reading digitally or in trade:
Chew
Batman

Reading off-and-on or about to drop:
Frankenstein: Agent of SHADE
The Flash
Amazing Spider-Man

Letting my subscription lapse:
Avengers
The Mighty Thor
Invincible Iron Man

About to start collecting:
Atomic Robo

I'm kind of annoyed that my initial enthusiast about the New 52 books waned after about 6 issues. Guest artists or rushed issues killed Batwoman and Frankenstein for me, and although I love the art in Flash, the story is what's starting to get boring for me. I picked up several Batman issues once the price dropped on them digitally, so it would screw with my OCD to start collecting them in print. What I have been doing is taking advantage of the many sales that run on Comixology. So far I've bought Essex County for 4.99, Infinite Kung Fu for 5.99, Chew Vol 3, 4, and 5 for 4.99 each and the six-issue run of Iron Man Extremis for .99 an issue. The trade deals are fantastic. That Essex County book is over 500 pages and it was less than $5. That's less than a penny a page for Jeff Lemire. Good buy in my feeble mind.

The way I buy comics is changing, and it's getting tougher to make those choices when I have to cut something. Let me know when Greg Land is at least 6 issues removed from Uncanny X-Men and I'll go back to buying it.