Sucker Punch - Plot or Panties?

Panties. Definitely panties.

It's not a comic movie, but it has it is as much about X-Men as the last 4 X-Men movies I've seen have been.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the fight scenes in this movie were conceptualized prior to a story being inserted.

"Hey guys! I just had this dream about this totally awesome fight scene that spans from samurai warriors to clockwork nazis to dragon slaying to robot fighting all in one movie with really amazing well thought out choreography. We can just apply a story on top and let it trickle down through the cracks."

That is exactly how I feel about this movie. It was a fight scene that needed a story.

Plotless live-action anime. Complete with plenty of upskirt action. That's about it. I was really expecting a tentacle monster to show up and rape everyone.

I will point out that the CGI is excellent. Like watching Advent Children if you put boobs on Cloud. I remember when bullet-time was exciting. Now only motion sickness impresses me. We could get rid of the green-screen and omit the actors and just pay an animator and a sound guy to make movies. It's not like they paid anyone to write a script. This essentially reads as an extended stick-fighting flash movie on Newgrounds.

A feast for the eyes and a fast for the mind.

They were really trying to channel David Carradine for the Wise Man in this movie.

 "This is me at my most masochistic,"

I give this movie one one hocked Hanzo sword up for action, and two naughty tentacles down for lack of any identifiable plot.

X-23 #7 - Cap'n Jack Lebeau

I wasn't around for the beginning of Laura's adventures.. To be honest, the only book I've ever read that she was showcased in was the final issue of Target X, and I enjoyed her that issue. Next I saw her in the final 4 issues of X-Force. Her role was minimal in Second Coming apart from getting severely burned by a temporal rift.

Needless to explain, I don't really know that much about the character. I was turned off by the cover of the first two issues of her new ongoing title. They were just too girly for me. I'm not one to judge a comic by it's cover. That's a lie. I always judge a comic by the cover (see last post), but the cover of #7 intrigued me because it had decent art and I will read almost any comic with Gambit on the cover. I'm a sucker for Cajuns.

I bought the book because it had good art and the Cajun on the cover. This is where I point out how annoying it is in this day and age that I can't count on a cover being consistent with the interior art. It used to be that artist did both covers and interiors. It's almost like I'm being lied to every time I open a comic now. This comic is a lie! It's my own fault. I should be prepared for these bait and switches.

On to the interior.

It looks like a romance manga. It's whimsical and frosty color scheme and every panel seems to fade to white like it's supposed to be a dream sequence. I'm looking through a blue filter and the only colors that can penetrate it are the reds of Gambit's eyes and the bio-luminescent algae-like color of Laura's eyes.

The illusion is made whole by the dolphins that join this starry lesbian fantasy. I apologize to any lesbian readers that I don't have. It's just that every lesbian I know has a dolphin tattoo. Is this a code?

Back to the book. It's really not my thing. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be geared towards female readers, but it reads like an emo Sailor Moon with claws and mild gore. At least there's Tuxedo Mask Gambit Jack Sparrow.

I give this comic one adamantium foot claw up and two dorsal fins down.

The sad, sad times for Marvel

Malibu Comics was such a crap label. What was marvel thinking?

I re-alphabetized my collection today and am ashamed that I have Malibu comics. I haven't read any of them. The covers suck too much. I've tried, but the art is such crap and the characters are so bloody generic.

What are these outfits? Who are these freaks? Is the name of this superhero team The Primary Color Squadron? How about The Useless Accessories Defenders? Wait, I've got more! Team: Uninspired Origins, or Three Dudes, a Chick, a Twerp with a Ponytail and Some Blue Sludge. What about Shithouse?

I'm usually against bitching about a comic without giving adequate reasons for hating it, but the cover just defies explanation for it's craptitude.

Back in 94', I was honestly psyched when I heard that the Juggernaut was going to have a lead role in a comic. Then I saw what was happening with Malibu and literally stopped collecting comics. This shitacular cover is the reason I've had to hunt down hundreds of back issues in the last two years. It literally made me stop caring. My dopamine receptors jumped ship and I couldn't feel happiness for the next 15 years.
This comic is why there's cancer.