Astonishing X-Men Xenogenesis 1-5

Please have a seat.

I've never read a single issue of Astonishing X-Men. That is, before I read Warren Ellis's Xenogenesis arc. I have tried to make this blog a place to complain about comics that either suck completely, or suck in very specifically annoying ways. I am failing you all because I get excited when I read a good comic and I don't want to talk about the ones that piss me off. Case in point. I really liked these books.

I loved the way all of the X-Men are characterized. My only complaint is that I pretty much forgot that Armor was in the story at all. Wolverine is on par with what you would expect, and I am happy to see him throwing himself at the baddies with abandon. Really, we all know that Logan is reckless with his own safety, yet some artists draw Wolverine in a conservative, defensive manner. If you fire a bullet at The Wolverine, he doesn't do something fancy like blocking it with a claw and splitting it in two, he takes the bullet in the face and splits the guy in two who fired it. Cyclops is the perfect mix of business and indifference that we've grown to enjoy from him. Beast is analytical and frazzled, but all fists and feet when the fighting starts. Storm is mohawked and in charge. I always feel like I would do anything she ordered me to do as long as she had that mohawk. Finally, Emma is spot on with her combination of disgusted abhorance and snark that makes you forget that she's one of the good guys.

Kaare Andrews' art makes for a great completion to the great writing. I've never seen his work before. It's very distinct and it pleases me. That's all I can say, to be honest.

I guess the most striking aspect of this batch of books is that it has balls. Lots, and lots of balls. Not the kind of balls that Image thought they had in 1995, I'm talkin big, beautiful, bloody laser balls. I have missed comics with balls. When Wolverine takes a guillotine to the neck courtesy of a freakish alien cyborg thing, that's when the party starts. Take note. He spends the rest of the arc holding his small intestine in one arm. Tasty.

This post has outlasted my attention span. Give these a read. I'll never say a comic is worth the $3.99 I paid, but it's a better read than other $3.99 books that I've read in recent memory.

Laser nuts.

Wolverine as a vampire

X-Men: First Class Trailer Debut

Today we were treated to our first teaser for the new X-Men movie to hit theatres this summer. 

 
Yeeeaah......well.....being the X-fan that I am, I'm counting on this movie to suck about as much ass as a colonoscopy for a few reasons. Mainly the fact that there are so many characters that have nothing to do with the first class of the X-Men, and only one that actually belongs (Beast). I understand that this is a Charles/Erik movie, which is even more frustrating when looking at all the other unrelated bullshit that seems to be going on.
 
I love X-Men, so I am doomed to hate every X-Men movie.

Now, I know that most of this is previous knowledge, but seeing the trailer made it concrete for me.

Things that I was hoping for, but didn't get:
-Jean, Cyclops, Angel(Not Salvadore), and Iceman.
-Beast's gigantic hands and feet.
-A little blue somewhere in the X-Men's uniforms, to go with the yellow.

-Krakoa
-A general sense of comfort about this film.


Things that I was hoping not to see, but did:
-Emma's poorly done diamond skin effects, circa X-Men Origins: Wolverine
-A soft spoken Xavier
-Banshee, Angel Salvadore, Mystique, Havok, and any other mutants that weren't a part of the first five.
-Cuban missiles instead of enormous living islands.
-Time paradoxes.
-Xavier's hair.


When I heard that Emma, Banshee, and Sebastian Shaw were going to be a part of this movie, I thought "Ok, well, if Emma is a teenager and Banshee is an Interpol agent, it's essentially the Generation X ashcan story that is being told, in which Emma first encounters the Hellfire Club.

No such luck.


When I found out that Darwin was being cast I theorized "Ok, well, if Darwin is in it. Then it could work with the 'Deadly Genesis' arc in which the First Class is captured by the living island Krakoa and Xavier could send in a new, second team to rescue them. This team will be obliterated and Xavier will have to show us his dark side by mind-wiping Cyclops into forgetting the whole thing. Then the second movie could be Giant Size X-Men. Now, we're talking X-Men awesomeness.


No dice.

You know, I give you so many chances, Hollywood, and you keep hurting me. 

Video source:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrbHykKUfTM

WWHD? Episode 4 - Bad drivers

For all of you who frequently commit any of these vehicular travesties, Hulk is not pleased.

1.Texting while driving.
I'm driving badly because I'm watching you to see how long it takes you to look back at the road.

2. Changing lanes without signaling.
Also known as an I-10 side-step.

3. Leaving your blinker on for 20 miles.
Every time a driver blinks unnecessarily, God kills a kitten.

4. Drifting in the middle of both lanes.
Those yellow stripes aren't coins, Mario.

5. Cutting me off by turning in front of me, then proceeding to decelerate.
Like you didn't notice.

6. Running a stop sign, slamming on your brakes, nearly t-boning me, then giving me the "wtf" look.
This is a special kind of combination that makes me question intelligent design.

7. Shootin the shit with another driver and blocking traffic.
Unless your friend is serving you a Whopper, it can wait.

8. Tailgating.
You know that I get your money if I slam on my brakes, right?

9. Reading a novel while driving.
I've seriously seen this happen.

10. Cars with dvd players.
Fuck your kids. Give them your novel.

11. Doing any of these irresponsible things, then having the audacity to give ME the finger.
If you get behind the wheel you are to commit to driving alone. How many mailboxes have to die for you to understand that?

Hulk has spoken. Now Hulk smash your Civic.

Kang concurs

Click to enlarge

Casting Call - Bishop

Dhani Jones as Lucas Bishop.

I caught a few episodes of "Dhani Tackles the Globe" on the Travel Channel a few months back, and I thought it was an interesting show. If you haven't seen it, let me explain the premise. Take a linebacker and place him into a sport that he has more-than-likely never heard of, let alone played. I'm not talking water polo, either. I'm talking sports in other countries that people probably get killed in.
He gets flown to Thailand, for instance, and observes a Muay Thai match, and has to train for a week to understand the culture and take part in the sport. Now, Dhani Jones is a giant of a man, but I can imagine feeling intimidated by the prospect of getting the shit kicked-boxed out of you, even by an amateur.
He had to wrestle in Switzerland. play Jai alai in Spain,  and cycle with Italians. Oh, and I stand corrected about the water polo thing. He did that in Croatia.
What I'm trying to say is that he is used to getting knocked around and can be resourceful when presented with almost any contingency. Like Bishop. Bishop is constantly traveling through time and having to adjust to any given situation.
Sorry, I keep having to stop writing this post and watch Super Bowl commercials, so I'm having trouble concentrating.
I suddenly want a Bud Lite and some Doritos. Also, a Chevy. A Pepsi Max, too.
Anyway, this guy is huge, and looks like Bishop. Except he smiles too much, and is dressed like Beast in this picture.
Doritos.