Ugh, these cats!

So my two cats have taken it upon themselves to try and make me nocturnal. It's working. They meow at me. They jump on our nightstands and scratch on the wall. They fight with each other. I can't sleep more than an hour before these creatures terrorize me. I told Angus I'm going to sell him to Burger King for Angus burgers. I told Olive I was going to make a delicious tapenade out of her. This is a lucrative idea.

Uncanny X-Men 541 and 542 - Yeah, it's porn

It's been awhile since I posted something completely negative, so let's talk about Greg Land.

Uncanny X-Men is an example I use when I'm telling myself that, just like good art boosts a mediocre writer, good writing can, in turn, boost terrible art. The books that we remember have both a good writer and a good artist, right? I think Greg Land does an incredible service to gauge the quality of Kieron Gillen's writing, because I really like these Uncanny books even though it annoys the crap out of me to feel like I'm reading Hustler every time I pick up a book illustrated by Greg Land. Let's have a look at some examples here.

 Now, either Kitty is blowing the Invisible Man, or she has a serious case of lockjaw. This would give any other human being an enormous charlie-horse, but I guess part of having the powers of being intangible means you can just phase jawbones through yout neck meat. This must be useful if you have any large metallic shlongs laying around that need a good slobbing on. Speaking of metallic shlongs, let's take a look at our next specimen.

It's a relief to know that when confronted by an ancient god of destruction, we can count on Colossus to arrive at the best tactic to combat a threat of that magnitude.

Who would have guessed that Cyttorak's only weakness was a swift thrust from behind by a shiny metal Russian?

That face can only be traced from a man that is either balls-deep in Jenna Jameson, or taking the most painful poop of his life...or both, possibly.

Or next entry is just confusing for me. Now imagine you are the mayor of a large city, in your office, wondering what you could do to stop an Asgardian threat from marching on your city and destroying everything and everyone in it. Suddenly, help arrives in a telepathic intrusion from the superheroes that have taken up residence in your fine city. Oh, and one of them is dressed as a cowgirl stripper. What would your initial reaction be?

Yeah...
me too.

What the hell is she doing?

Does she have to pee?

Is there an air vent underneath her and she has to hold her dress to prevent it from blowing upward?

Does she have an erection that she is hiding?

Also, this totally looks like what I would have envisioned the Mayor of San Fransisco to look like.

Now, I wouldn't really care if Land drew Emma as a slutty cowpoke, and drew all of the other women in his books to look like a bunch of whores, but that's not the reality. All of his women look like porn chicks.
Terry Dodson draws good-looking, busty ladies, but his girls look like pinups. When I read a book that Greg Land illustrated, I feel like I need to go to confession. It's crap, and I am sick of him. So here's to the X-Men, the sluttiest teenagers of all!

I give Greg Land two teenagers with double D's, and impossibly large and suggestive mouths down.

Pic of the Week - Laundering cats

Just imagine what our lint trap would look like after running this load!
This is my non-comic related, cat item of the week.

I need a healing factor. Stat.

I burned myself with hot oil tonight. This is why you wear a shirt when you're deep frying falafel. I think it's time for a bit of comfort comics while I nurse my wounds. I got an X-Men Legacy in the mail, so it had better be good.

Giant Size Wolverine and the X-Men - Now with more races!

Is this...Krakoa? Seriously? Is it? Because if it is, then holy shit.

In case you don't know, Krakoa is a mutant. This mutant's powers are being an island. It's an island. Four of the original five X-Men were captured and Xavier had to recruit a new team to save them. This team consisted of Storm, Wolverine, Colossus, Banshee, Nightcrawler, Sunfire, and Thunderbird. It gave Marvel a chance to show that it is diverse and went from a whole-grain white bread team to a rye-pumpernickel team with a lox shmear. Anyway, they saved the X-Men and Beast, Angel and Iceman joined the Defenders and the new X-Men became the regular X-Men.

Later on, Ed Brubaker retconned the entire thing and as it turns out, this team of X-Men was actually the second team Xavier recruited. The first team consisted of Vulcan, Sway, Darwin, and Petra. This team was a million times more powerful than the Giant Size counterparts, yet they all met their end on their first mission, or so it would seem. Vulcan survives and makes trouble for the X-Men, The Shi'ar, and the Inhumans later in life and Darwin never dies, so he shows up alive and joins the X-Men and later X-Factor. So, basically, a Russian that can turn into a can of beets and a Canadian in need of a manicure defeated a villain that a guy who could destroy planets could not defeat. Makes perfect sense.

That being said. If this is indeed Krakoa, and that is a uneducated guess, I think it would be entertaining. Especially with Bachalo on pencils. That guy is always entertaining.

Ghost Rider - Urine of Vengeance

Hahaha. I'm looking forward to this movie about as much as I'm looking forward to Daredevil 2.

Here's the link to the new Ghost Rider movie.

There's little doubt that this will be better than the first one, since the first one set the bar so low, but I've been surprised by movies that suck and just keep getting sequels.

It's Comic Book Day!

Yay! It's comic book day!

I have not purchased comics regularly for about two months because I bought my wife an anniversary present that needs paying for. Today I found some cash in my wallet! You know what that means? I'm buying some freakin comics. I only got four today.  Since I haven't read any of them yet, let's check out some covers!

Journey Into Mystery #626
Ever since Fear Itself started, Journey has been brought back in that absurd numbering that Marvel loves so much. Where are #522 through #621? Who gives a shit? These are gods we're talking about. So what if they don't keep proper chronology of their canon? Moving on. Since it's renumbering, this title has been knock-down, drag-out awesome. There comes a time when a comic nerd has to admit to his posering. This is the first Thor book I have EVER read. So yeah, nobody has any excuse not to read this title. It's easy to pick up having a rudimentary knowledge of what Thor is basically about, and a love for great storytelling and great art. Kieron Gillen is one of the most gripping authors in comics right now. Read it. Love it. Tell your friends to read it. I would talk about Mighty Thor #4, because there were some on the shelf still, but I have a subscription, so I didn't buy one today. Matt Fraction and Kieron Gillen can tag team Thor and X-Men like the fucking Legion of Doom. (Unabashed WWF reference). I give this title two Hel Hounds up.

Next up! Generation Hope #10. I had reservations about this title for at least the first three issues. That was mainly brought on by the fact that the first four mutants born after M-Day, or "Lights" were in Tokyo seeking the fifth "Light", who was a reality-bending, techno-organic mass resembling Tetsuo from Akiro, I could only assume that these mutant manifestations are called Lights because they showed up on Cerebra as a spike in the mutant population and, thus, resembled lights. Who knows. Anyway I'm normally against a new title whose first story arc lasts more than three issues, but for some reason I kept buying them. At about the time the sixth light showed up and turned out to be a mutant that hasn't even been born yet, the series started being truly redeemable. Every one of the Lights tries to reach out to the psychic fetus inside this woman's belly to try to stop it from turning all of the people within a certain radius into mindless slaves. As it turns out, Teon, the seemingly feral and simplest of the Lights, is the one that is able to reach the baby. For mea, this was the moment I started really liking the series and was glad to have stuck with it. Unfortunately, I have missed two and decided to buy this one today. On the recap page, in red font, I see a "please read Schism #3 first". Well, I haven't read Schism #1 or #2 yet, let alone #3. Are these things coming out every week? I took the high road and put Generation Hope down to read another day.

Stand back. I don't want to get hit by any juice when your mind blows. Today, I bought, not one, but two DC comics. It seems kind of foolish since this month is nothing but final issues since DC is rebooting next month. Nonetheless, I decided to take the advice of my friends Evie and Aaron at Awesomed By Comics, and check out Secret Six. This book is Evie's book of the week pretty consistently and I have come to trust her and Aaron's judgement. I have read I Kill Giants, The Unwritten, The Helm, and just purchased the first trade of Unknown Soldier per their recommendations. So why not buy the last book of Secret Six? Maybe it will coerce me into back-issuing the last 35. I don't believe I've ever read a Gail Simone book, so this will be my first experience. I expect great things, but I am well aware that I am reading the last book of a series, so I will probably not know what is going on. Incidentally, I am considering picking up the first issues of Batwoman and Batgirl simply because of the creators that were spoken highly of in the Awesomed By Comics podcast.

Finally, we come to the last book I bought today. Power Girl #27. I bought #24 a few months back, and loved it. I bought this issue because I looked at the shelf and there were boobies. I can imagine that this is the reason that many comic books are purchased, but I also happen to like the little bit of exposure I have had to Power Girl thus far (pun intended). One thing that shocks me about this book is that this is the last one. No, I mean really. There is not a Power Girl book slated for the DC reboot. If she appears in Superman books, I will not know, because fuck Superman. What the hell DC? This series has been met with tons of praise from the comics community and what do you do? You cancel it. This is probably due to the fact that DC is a major publisher, and when a title is well written and well drawn, major publishers cancel said title. Well, fuck you DC. I'm going to buy back-issues of Power girl, and forgo buying new issues of the Rob Liefeld illustrated Hawk and Dove. Do you know why? Because it's going to be shit. I would have bought a Power Girl book, but you decided to launch several shitty books instead. Why am I so pissed? Probably because it took me two beers to make it through this post and DC has the nerve to still be taking dookies on my comics. Give us back Power Girl. There's also boobies to consider.

I give DC two feet up their sorry asses for being speculative douche bags.

X-Factor - It hurts me to say this

I've loved Peter David's X-Factor since the first issue. It was a comic that had superheroes in it, but wasn't about superheroes. It was the best insight into mainstream Marvel characters that focused, first and foremost, on the characters and not the events transpiring around the characters. Peter David makes us care. On top of the expert wordslinging that David offered us, the first several issues were llustrated by Ryan Sook, whose art completed the story in a noir setting seamlessly. This has been my favorite title for a few years now.

That's changing, and it breaks my heart. 

This is some artwork from X-factor #220, which is really, like, #70, but I blame Marvel for that. Paul Davidson is terrible. I hate that this guy works for Marvel, and I don't. He has managed to take Peter David's scripting and turn it into vomit. This guy belongs in an issue of Crypt of Horror circa 1988. He tainted an issue of X-Men Legacy awhile back and to be honest, I was nostalgic for Greg Land's porn chick art.

It's unfortunate, but I was so turned off by this, that I couldn't enjoy the story. In the next issue Paul Davidson is gone, but we have someone who is almost as bad. In the issue after that, we have Emanuala Lupacchino. She is the regular artist in this series and I like her art. Despite the improvement in the art, I am still not crazy about all of the story elements happening.

So Rahne has been pregnant for like, three years, but in comic time it's probably closer to, oh, six hours. Her baby's a demigod and that makes her invulnerable as long as she is pregnant except to certain magical blahblahblah. See I just don't care. Really, I have no interest and I hope something happens that grabs me again. Please please please Peter David. Make it happen again. Focus on Madrox and Layla and Guido and Monet and Siryn and Rictor. Shatterstar's and Rictor's relationship is totally awkward, and I understand that it is supposed to feel that way because Rictor is kind of confused about how he feels, but it's just been awkward for too long. I don't care about all this magical and mythical crap. I read Thor for that. I get that this is a shared universe and all, and I complain when comics script themselves into a corner, but keep X-Factor simple. Demons are in every X-Book these days, and I'm bloody sick of it. No more demons.

I don't want to rant anymore. It's late and I'm overwhelmed by sadness for my favorite comic.

I give the last few X-Factors one furry baby bump down, and two dupes down as well.

Top 10 - Alan Moore, Gene Ha, and Zander Cannon

Zander Cannon. Best name ever.

I've recently started taking advantage of our three local libraries for my trade paperback/hardcover needs. I would like to know who is in charge of the inventory of graphic novels available. I could only find volumes 2, 4, 5 and 7 of Runaways in their file, yet the entirety of Fruits Basket and Inuyasha mangas are available with duplicates.

I did find this little gem, which was probably a leftover from the public employee who knew what a public library should stock in regards to graphic novels. Should I be offended that these are in the teen section? Whatever. I'll be the first to admit to being juvenile.

Moving right along. I had heard the name of this series dropped a few times on a certain podcast that I listen to religiously. It comes up whenever Watchmen does, mainly because it's written by Alan Moore. I actually only recently read through Watchmen, and rather than add another synopsis of Watchmen to the internet, I decided to talk about a different work by the same creator.

Top 10 gives us a two page text introduction to the setting of this story. Basically this is the world if most of the population was comprised of superhuman beings. Everyone has powers, cybernetics, mutations, or some other form of advanced abilities that sets them apart from absolutely nobody. The story is told through the interactions among various law-enforcement officers that have to deal with everyday troubles that occur in Neopolis, a virtual city of heroes, if you could call them that. The opening follows a girl who is called Toy Box on her first day on the job as a cop with an surly, eight-foot-tall, indigo-skinned, invulnerable douchebag of a cop with an atomic beam that fires out of his chest. After reading through the first couple of issues, I noticed that there is not much in the way of narration. The story is told completely through dialogue. Looking back to Moore's storytelling in Watchmen, most of the story is told through narrative and, in many cases, through the narrative of a comic book being read within the comic book. An interesting point to make, also, is that there is only one superhuman character in Watchmen. That being Dr. Manhattan.

Turn the clock to fourteen years later to Top 10. Every character is a superhuman, and the story is told using a completely different way of storytelling through dialogue and character interaction. I think this goes to illustrate the talent of Alan Moore. He is able to tell a story from the perspective of both the introvert and the extrovert. The introvert will easily find comfort from the inner monologue of Watchmen, be it from the perspective of Rorscharch's journal entries, or the metaphor drawn from the narrative of The Black Freighter story, or the thoughts of a man who is trying to find purpose in the humanity of which he has transcended.

On the other hand, the extrovert will fall in line reading Top 10 which hides the thoughts of every one of its countless, yet distinct characters. We learn about these characters strictly through the interactions they share. Not once, in the several issues that I have read, has there been needed an explanation of what is happening past the conversations happening. Every personality in this comic, of which there are dozens, is clearly defined without the author telling us why that particular person would feel this way or that way. Each of the cops that the story follows are paired up in partners. I feel that it is completely random, yet we get the feeling that it's the perfect pair every time. The repertoire is realistic and believable and every 'uh' and 'er' and pause dots '...' feels like it is necessary.


Gene Ha's visual storytelling is very fitting, as well, and believe it or not, I have nothing more to say about artwork. I don't know if Alan Moore chooses his artists to fit his story, but they always tend to fit like a glove.

I could go on and on about the versatility of Moore's story telling, but I feel that I've made my point. If you haven't read Watchmen, read it, and if you have read Watchmen, read Top 10. They are both excellent stories with very different executions that hold the same weight.

I give Top 10 two enthusiastic blind taxi drivers up and I'll hoist a headless hooker for this book, as well.

Invincible Iron Man #506 and Fear Itself #4

If you have read any of my posts, you should already know that I can't keep a secret. Spoilers ahead.

So I subscribed to Iron Man two months ago and purchased #504 knowing that there's a significant delay for new subs. Needless to say, I missed #505, but it looks like all I missed was 32 pages of the last panel of #504. Now, the last Iron Man I read was, oh...#178. Granted, I read that one last year and not in 84' when it was published, reason being I was a two-year-old in 84'. In any case, Stark was a drunk then and Rhodey was Iron Man.

Fast forward. Fear Itself #4. This is another case of missing #3 and counting on the recap page to fill me in. This time I did miss something. Apparently, Captain Bucky had his arm removed and his life turned off by the Red Skull. But that's neither here nor there. We're focusing on Iron Man. This episode pretty much picks up from where Iron Man #505 supposedly left off. That's because Fraction is writing both of these books. Basically, if you're confused about this event, and you will be since Marvel has given zero guidance in regards to reading order, just alternate reading the Fear Itself books with the Invincible Iron Man books with a couple Secret Avengers sprinkled in to explain the 'Blitzkrieg USA' bullshit.

I'd like to bring attention to this page in particular. I believe Tony's been sober for the last 25, or so, years in real time. That's probably about ten minutes comic book time. This is a pretty powerful page for an emotional guy like me, and since I can really only read a comic if it has better-than-average artwork, Stuart Immonen pencils me through just fine.

Which segues into Invincible #506. I have observed Salvador Larroca's evolution as an artist since the mid 90's, through his X-Men days in the mid 2000's and I can really appreciate the growth he has had in that time. It's improvement with practice, right? That doesn't always happen. Look at Chris Bachalo, who had superb pencils in the beginning of his career, and it steadily degenerated into the angular mess he produces today (See Avengers #15). It truly hurts me to say that. Bachalo used to be one of my favorites. Now it just seems so assembly-line. I'll complain about his artwork in another show. Good on you, Sal. As I've said, Fraction wrote both of these books and the plotting seems to glide from one to the next. Tony sacrificed his sobriety to get Odin's attention, and it worked, so to add insult to injury, Ol'One Eye threw Tony to the Dwarves, who treat sobriety as the disease. Can't make weapons of mass destruction without mass intoxication.

What my personal fear, and maybe that's the point of Fear Itself, is Tony falling off the wagon. Rhodey's not around to pick up the slack this time, so we would inevitably get Pepper to pick up the mantle, which kind of scares me. It's not that I don't like Pepper. I do. It's just that I like Pepper as the counterbalance and not the star. We'll see. If Fraction keeps it realistic this one drink has made Tony relapse and we will have to deal with Tony's alcoholism for another 30 issues.

I give these two books one ruined life down, and two tankards of mead up in cheer.