Wolverine and The X-Men #17 - Doop Translations

Luckily, my wife picked up the X-Statix Omnibus awhile back in which I read cover-to-cover. It was like Rosetta Stone for Doop speak. So here's your Wolverine y Los X-Manos #17 translations:

Cover

Doop:          "If you think this is ridiculous, wait'll you see what happens on the inside."

Wolverine:  "You said it, bub."

Page 5

Wolverine:   "What do you say, Doop? Are ypu ready top be and X-Man?"

Doop:           "I think I'm good right where I'm at. Too bad you didn't ask back when being an X-Man still meant something."

Wolverine:   "Very funny, but I'm not leaving until you say yes."

Doop:           "Quit yourself."

Page 7

Wolverine:    "I'll give you full medical and dental. You get to set your own hours. You'll answer only to me."

Doop:            "Hmm...I'm thinking about it."

Doop:            "We'll talk more after you're done."

Wolverine:    "Fine. But if you don't say yes after this, to hell with you."

Wolverine:     "My name is James, and this is my impression of Cyclops...with six-inch claws stabbed into his face."

Doop:             "Okay. You win. I'm yours."

Page 9

ALERT!

Doop:             "Wha..!?"

Page 10

Nazi Bowler:  "Splendid. Ready your balls fpr destruction, my brothers!"

Doop:             "You can say that again!"

Page 11

Nazi Bowler:  "You dare! You dare steal the ball of a fourth reich thursday night intramural league champion! return it at once, you green-skinned monstrosity!"

Doop:              "If you insist."

Page 15

Howard the Duck:  "We've been in some tough spots before, pal, but never anything like this. What do you think we oughtta do?"

Doop:              "Kill them all, or die trying."

Page 17

Sabretooth:    "Damn it, you green lump of snot. Are you even listening to me?!"

Doop:             " I am now."

Hope that helps! I loved this issue and hope we get to see more Wolverine and Doop adventures, but only penciled by Mike Allred. This has inspired me to create a Doop font set.

Underwater Welder - More reasons to love Jeff Lemire

I promised myself last night that I would go on to Comixology and purchase a digital copy of Underwater Welder once my paycheck cleared. Well, it did and I did. I sat down with my Kindle tonight after having dinner with some friends and started reading. I am a pretty slow reader and I tend to linger on artwork for awhile, especially when I'm reading Jeff Lemire, but I couldn't stop and I completed the entire book and it's past my bedtime and I don't care because I need to talk about this. Jeff Lemire is dangerously good at sequential storytelling. What I mean by that is that I feel as though every time I read a Lemire written and drawn presentation, I am worried that he is peaking. I'm worried that someday, he will have gotten so good at pulling all of the right heart strings, that he won't have anywhere to go but down. How can he continue to create such moving literature? When the day comes that I put down a Jeff Lemire book and say it wasn't his best, I will stop reading comics.

How do we find ourselves caring so deeply for these characters? How can he tell a bigger story with a few splashes of ink than most artists can tell with their greatest collection of works? If I knew how he did it, I still couldn't hope to actually do it so beautifully.

I really don't want to give any details to this book in review form. You just have to experience it for yourself. The man just weaves miracles. It reminds me of Amelia from the comic Chew. She is a journalist who has the ability to write about food with such passion and detail, that the reader can actually feel the sensation of eating the food she's describing. Jeff Lemire has the power to magically pull us into his story and turn on an empathy that we weren't aware we were capable of.

There are no superheroes or space creatures or cybernetic dinosaurs or death rays in his tales, only realistic people with realistic skeletons in their closets. In a way, we must bare the weight of their world. You owe it to yourself to read everything that Jeff Lemire writes and illustrates. Sure, Animal Man, Frankenstein, and Justice League Dark are good mainstream comics, but I don't feel as if he is given the freedom to really pour his soul into these books.

Check out Underwater Welder, and if you haven't already, read Essex County, Lost Dogs, and his ongoing title Sweet Tooth. It will make you appreciate sequential storytelling in a brand new way.

The Amazin' Spidey-Man...4?

No, it's not Spider-Man 4. It's Spider-Man 1 Reloaded. Whatever. I'm not even going to delete that.

In true Hollywood fashion, let's start over.

The Amazing Spider-Man is a reboot of a series of successful films from the early 2000's. Why this series of films needed a reboot, you ask? Of course you would wonder why, and of course I will explain it in great detail.

When I get tired of my diatribe, I have a special exit strategy. Be very excited.

The Amazing Spider-Man needed a reboot for some very simple reasons.

1. Mechanical web-shooters.
2. Gwen Stacy.

Aside from the terrible chemistry that Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst had, these are really the only reasons. Gwen Stacy is Peter Parker's first girlfriend and his web-shooters are supposed to be mechanical. To satisfy all of the elitist fanboys out their(me), a new movie was required to fix these problems. That's it.

Oh, and the last movie with Venom and The Sandman was a joke that ruined any goodwill that the first two movies garnered...
...but enough about why we have a reboot and on to the reboot itself.

Since most of the origin of Spider-Man has already been seen on the silver screen, we can't help but compare the two portrayals. I think both films(Spidey 1 and Amazing) did a swell job of telling the origin of our friendly neighborhood goofball. I enjoyed this version just as much as the original, except I liked Andrew Garfield way more. Also, Emma Stone gave us a great Gwen.

As much as the protagonists improved, we all know that the villains make or break the story. Rhys Ifans gave us a pretty good Dr. Curt Conners. I would dare to say that it's almost on par with Willem Defoe as Norman Osborn. Almost. The only few things I didn't like were in regards to how The Lizard looked and sounded. I hated that he didn't have a snout. I disliked that his skin was more snakey, and less crocodiley. Although we saw some brief scenes in which he had the lab coat on in his lizard form, I wish he had it the entire time. I can deal with the shirt and pants missing. I just don't like the way that that it was attempted to try to keep him, well, still human.

On another note, I didn't like the way that Ifans' voice translated to Lizard speak. He sounds like Draco Malfoy in most scenes and instead of hearing him say "Parker", I heard "Potter". When he says "Poor Peter Parker. No mother. No Father. No Uncle.", I swear I thought I was watching Harry Potter.

In case you can't read the dialogue in this picture, The Lizard is saying "LIZARD TAKE MONKEY BRAIN. LIZARD NO LONGER DUMB. YOU ARE PREY.", to which Spidey replies "You're not as smart as you think you are."

Basically, from my understanding, when Conners transforms into The Lizard, for what he gains in physical strengths, he sacrifices intellectual strength and becomes no more than a somewhat cognizant animal. I realize that his master plan of infecting the entire city with lizarditis wouldn't have really been feasible if he wasn't still intelligent in his augmented state, but that's why The Lizard has never been a part of a larger group of villains.

In closing, I thought this movie was really enjoyable and I saw it twice. That's the second time this year I've seen a comic movie twice, and the last time I did that was for Iron Man.

While I think that it would be foolish to do a Sinister Six trilogy, I do look forward to more Spidey movies. I don't know how the filmmakers will manage to bring back The Green Goblin and Doc Ock, but only time will tell, I suppose. I give The Amazing Spider-Man two mechanical web-shooters up and one broken-necked Gwen Stacy to the left. Oh...I promised you an exit strategy. feast your eyes on the menacing Lizardcycle!

X-Statix Omnibus

My wife is awesome and gifted to me the X-Statix Omnibus for our fourth wedding anniversary. I just wanted to thank her profusely for this. My only complaint is that it didn't come with a forklift.

This thing measures at an oversized 7.25" wide, 11" tall and an absurd 2.5" thick.  Its page count clocks in at 1200, which is almost 500 pages longer than any Deathly Hallow I've ever seen, and weighs in at a meaty 8.2 pounds. I dropped it on one of my fingers and have yet to regain feeling in said extremity. I think we're going to have to amputate. I word to the people likely to read the introduction written by Mike Allred; it has spoilers. Not that I think the people shelling out the cash for this thing haven't read the full series in single issue format, but people die and it's all right there in the foreword. I haven't read one page of any of the books contained in the omnibus, so it's all new to me.

The price tag may scare some people, but I think it's well worth it. It's all of the related X-Force/X-Statix/Tie-In materials in one volume. It stands alone as a complete work. Peter Milligan is a masterful scribe, and Mike and Laura Allred are the perfect artistic team for this work. Not to mention that when when the Allreds take the day off, their seats are filled by none other than Darwyn Cooke. This hefty tome is an encyclopedia of stylistic pulp comics. It is really a tribute to the way comics looked in their prime, mixed with the way comics are written in the modern day.

For those not familiar with exactly what this story is about, it's basically a team of mutants that takes the name of the clandestine team X-Force and is sponsored by a producer of a reality show about mutant superheroes that stars the team. It's all from the point of view, literally, of a floating green blob named Doop who speaks in an alien tongue and carries the teams recording equipment in his belly.

Since this is a television show with ratings and such, when people get bored of certain characters, like any other TV dramas, those characters are killed off, except this is a reality show, so the living characters actually die. It's interesting and this was written before I had seen any other fiction that functioned as a commentary for reality television. I know Battle Royale was a similar idea and predates this, but it's not ripping it off the way that Hunger Games has been accused of.

The retail price of this beast is at a steep $125.00, but I think it's well worth that price. Discount Comic Book Service has it for a mere $75.00, and my wife got it from Barnes & Noble's website for $65.00. For those prices it's thievery. I give the X-Statix Omnibus two enthusiastic Gin Genies up.

My monthly comic pulls

I have managed to get my monthly reading list down to a manageable size. I buy exclusively through DCBS now, because I'm an asshole who isn't supporting my local shop. My pull list is pretty shrunken, so there's really no excuse for not just buying weekly at the shop. Perhaps I will have a change of heart soon.

Currently reading religiously:

Wolverine and The X-Men
Uncanny X-Force
X-Factor
X-Men Legacy
Daredevil
Animal Man
Swamp Thing
Sweet Tooth
The Unwritten
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Saga

Reading digitally or in trade:
Chew
Batman

Reading off-and-on or about to drop:
Frankenstein: Agent of SHADE
The Flash
Amazing Spider-Man

Letting my subscription lapse:
Avengers
The Mighty Thor
Invincible Iron Man

About to start collecting:
Atomic Robo

I'm kind of annoyed that my initial enthusiast about the New 52 books waned after about 6 issues. Guest artists or rushed issues killed Batwoman and Frankenstein for me, and although I love the art in Flash, the story is what's starting to get boring for me. I picked up several Batman issues once the price dropped on them digitally, so it would screw with my OCD to start collecting them in print. What I have been doing is taking advantage of the many sales that run on Comixology. So far I've bought Essex County for 4.99, Infinite Kung Fu for 5.99, Chew Vol 3, 4, and 5 for 4.99 each and the six-issue run of Iron Man Extremis for .99 an issue. The trade deals are fantastic. That Essex County book is over 500 pages and it was less than $5. That's less than a penny a page for Jeff Lemire. Good buy in my feeble mind.

The way I buy comics is changing, and it's getting tougher to make those choices when I have to cut something. Let me know when Greg Land is at least 6 issues removed from Uncanny X-Men and I'll go back to buying it.

Because I have to - The Avengers Movie Review

Just so I'm covered, HERE THERE BE SPOILERS.

I'm sure there are one million Avengers reviews you could be reading right now, but you chose mine, so clearly you are someone who is comfortable with compromise. Well, let me tell you about some people that are not willing to compromise: the people responsible for The Avengers.

I had high hopes when I heard that Joss Whedon would be directing The Avengers. I have faith in both his talents and his love for the craft and these characters. If I had a billion dollars, I'd pay him to coordinate an X-Men movie. The trouble that arises when creating a movie based on a team of superheroes is the fact that you have several stars and each competing for screen time. So we end up with the cluster fuck that was the last few X-Men movies. That's how I can tell that The Avengers is really something special. We have four characters that were front and center in there own origin films. Not to mention that Iron Man has had two films to claim screen time. The fact that all of these enormous personalities were each represented in perfect equality makes this film triumph where other ensemble comic-book movies have miserably failed.

Let's do a role call.

The Super Soldier.

I was really surprised by Chris Evans in his first outing as The Cap. I expect Evans to be a goof on-screen. He manages to play the boy scout fairly well. He seems young and naive compared to the rest of the cast, but I think it's natural and it let's his character fit that believe-that-good-can-win role. Cap really pulls his team together and I loved when he was giving orders to the cops of NY and especially when he was giving orders to the rest of his team. "You guys do this. You guys do that. Hulk....smash." A clever way to give Hulk fan service without Hulk actually executing the silly one-liner.

The Demigod

Thor performs his Thorness in a consistent manner as his first movie debut. Very Shakespeare In The Park. I really have nothing to say about Chris Hemsworth other than I pretty much forgot that he is Chris Hemsworth. There is only Thor now. I like him and you should too. I'm glad we got to see a Thor/Hulk fight. I didn't notice that Mjolnir's handle was an inch longer.

The Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist

RDJ is always great as Tony Stark. What I was pleasantly surprised by in this movie, is that he didn't hog the stage. I was sincerely worried that the success and positive reception of Downey Jr. as Tony Stark would lead to him being the lead singer and the rest of the cast serving as backup vocals. The time that he is on screen is all necessary. Thor makes his debut in this movie by nabbing Loki from the Quinjet and Iron Man follows, which leads to a fight between the good guys and the good guys. As comic book readers, we need to accept this as the only way that heroes can meet. Iron Man shows some real heroism by flying into a wormhole with only 1% power carrying a thermonuclear weapon that is about to detonate. Well he dies. Just kidding. Iron Man doesn't die. He just catches a cold. No, maybe a tan. Anyway, well done and good on ya, RDJ.

The Hulk (Inredible at times)

First off, I want to say that this Hulk has body hair. This stands to argue that Red Hulk should have a mustache. Just sayin. The CGI on this Hulk is much more normal looking than the gummi-bear from the first movie and much less 90's than the Incredible incarnation. This Hulk is also big. Really big. He wasn't shiny. He didn't have low-rise jeans. He was an acceptable Hulk. The animators must have studied gorillas for this job, because he moved around like a monkey at times. On to Banner. Mark Ruffalo was a tough sale for me when I heard he was filling in for the guy that filled in for the first Banner. I liked Ruffalo. He was perfectly awkward, and perfectly withdrawn. Tony Stark spends much of the film literally poking fun at Banner while working with him, trying to release the beast. He asks him what his secret was to keep from letting the anger take over, and there's a great scene in which Banner explains it. He says he's always angry. Something about that was simply awesome.

The Assassins

Hawkeye spends half the movie as a badguy enslaved by Loki. I have no qualms with him because I honestly feel nothing for the character. He was fun to watch and he was intriguing as a character. That's about it. Widow surprised me quite a bit. I really hated her in Iron Man 2, but I think she may have been robbed. She was a very important part of this movie and ScarJo didn't disappoint me this time. She manages to outwit Loki, outrun The Hulk, and stop the flow of aliens attacking NY. Not bad for a chick that was pointless in her first movie.

The Agents

Agent Coulson is awesome. He is basically a giddy fanboy fawning over The Cap. I love it. Then he dies. Hey, I gave you a spoiler warning. Until I waited through both after-credit scenes, I was convinced that we were going to find out about how the Coulson that died was really a Life-Model-Decoy, but no. He's dead, and it sucked. But it gets the rest of the team to stop fighting with each other. You will be missed.

Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill is non-existent in this film. I don't know why they even bothered including her. She is completely irrelevant. They did this actress a pretty huge disservice to even cast her in this role, but the parts that she was a part of it, she  managed to be pretty badass. I don't know. She just doesn't get enough screen-time.

Sam Jackson performs his Fury in the same manner as he does in the previous films, except more. We get to see his character compromised and redeemed. We get some good one-liners. We get some funny things that probably weren't in the script, but adlibbed by Jackson. Nothing more to say other than he was his usual self, but for longer this time.

Oh yeah, and Loki. Tom Hiddleston is one of those casting calls for a villain that just wins all-around. He's was a perfect Loki in Thor, and he is a perfect Loki in this film. Self-righteously ambitious, calculating, and maniacally manipulative. Hiddleston sells all of these things and I'm buying them. He does it all with the charm that his comic counterpart imparts, and then some. You want to hate him, but somehow can't. He's like my cat, Angus. Cute and cuddly, but as soon as he wins you over, his eyes dilate and his claws come out, while you're left screaming "WHYYYY?" Loki is an evil cat. I dare say that Hiddleston is up there with the great villains in CBM history. Maybe not a Heath Ledger Joker, but close.

Now the big finish. The first after credits scene features the facilitator of Loki's invasion of Midgard removing his mask. Then he speaks about "courting Death". Yep, that's Thanos. My wife will vouch for me that when this mysterious being first appeared, shrouded in mystery....as mysterious beings tend to be, I whispered to her "It's Thanos". She, of course has no idea what that means. Nevertheless this holds some major reservations I have about the sequel. Thanos and the Infinite Gems is too big for one movie. I usually hate when he shows up in the comics because he is just too powerful and it requires a deus ex machina solution, usually. I was hoping for maybe something more simple. Like, you know, introduce Hank Pym and pym particles. Then Ultron can be the baddie. Thanos is like Kang. Too big for a movie. They're almost too big for a comic. Then again, I've never been a fan of the cosmic-level comics. I'm a more street-level threat kind of guy. So here's looking forward to the street-level comic movies coming out this summer!

Oh, and why does Thanos have two thumbs on each hand? Won't that cause problems when he is trying on his Infinite Gauntlet?

Also, superheroes eating shawarma. Awesome.

I give DISNEY'S The Avengers two enthusiastic infinity gauntlets up.

Saga - Shitting Awesome

Generally speaking, a new comic that opens with the phrase, "Am I shitting? I feel like I'm shitting!", is book of the year without question. Well, not only do we get this catching dialogue on the first page, but we also happen to get unbelievably gorgeous artwork from Fiona Staples. Not only do we get unbelievably gorgeous art from Fiona Staples, but we also get to tell people that the book we're reading is written by the ever-heralded and ever-elusive Brian K. Vaughan. Last thing I read of his was The Runaways, and I happened to love The Runaways. If all of that doesn't convince you that you should own this, then consider that issue #1 is a 48-page story for a cover price of $2.99. Satisfied? No? Ok, there's breastfeeding...and robot sex. That should be enough to hook anybody.

So what is Mr. Vaughan scribing and Ms. Staples arting? Saga is a tale of moon-crossed lovers from a war-torn planet that has a feud with it's moon. They haven't blown each other up yet because the explosion of one would send the other careening into the sun. We catch our lovers on the run from both parties and in the middle of the birth of there child. Oh, and chick has wings and dude has horns and knows magic.

Oh, and the whole story is told from the baby's point of view.

That's the basic gist of it.

All I can say is that I'm compelled to continue buying this book. Hell, I bought a first print of the first issue on ebay for $10 three days after it hit the retailers. That's how much I wanted to know what I was missing.

I'm pretty happy that I did. I'm really loving it. In just two issues I feel emotionally invested in these two characters. Superman has 70 years of continuity and I still haven't given one shit about him. This is probably the best first two issues I've read ever. You know, I remember a time when I was excited for comics. It was in the early 90's and Image was publishing billions of new #1's. What? I don't know who these characters are! Savage Dragon is like The Hulk, but interesting? Youngblood is like The Avengers, but with more pouches? Spawn is like Ghost Rider, but straight? Friggin awesome! (I didn't say 'fuck' when I was ten) Image was awesome until the novelty wore off, then I stopped collecting comics altogether for about a decade. I didn't miss much. I think this was God's way of telling me "Dude, comics are gonna suck for awhile, so just lay low and catch it on the flip side".

Well, Saga is like comics, but good.

It's giving me that feeling of wonder I had when I used to read a comic and think "This is something I haven't seen."

Saga gets two enthusiastic horns up. I hope Vaughan and Staples have a long run together on this book.

Too Often or Not Enough - Milking Events Without Offering Content

How can you enjoy your favorite superheroes in Marvel's latest mega-event? It's simple; don't buy any comics with an AvX banner on it. That way, you won't have to spend hundreds of dollars on comics that you can probably pick through after the event has ended and buy only what actually entertains you. As Marvel events go, this one is not being solicited across the board like, say, Fear Itself was last year. Fear Itself was a disaster and I am officially on event burnout this year.

Maybe it's because I have budgeted the hell out of my comic buying habits and just can't justify spending extra money on an event that is going to milk me for every penny. This is how it would go down; I would buy the first issue of AvX proper, then my completionist tendencies would prevent me from skipping the next 11 issues. Let's not forget that there is a six-issue 'just fights' series also being published, and really, that's what we want to see. It's like a celebrity deathmatch between our opposing counterparts on each team. Some of us want story, some of us want fights, you know, because we don't see enough pointless 'misunderstanding' fights in comics. So what does Marvel do for this big event? We get two batches of comics that feature either story or fights, and from what I have heard, thus far, the main AvX title has been nothing but an enormous fight scene. I'm sure we'll see our share of tie-ins, one-shots, and minis to go along with a story that could be delivered in one simple story arc.

What ever happens to crossovers? Do you remember those? They were stories that happened to multiple titles that didn't require extra titles to be completed. Second coming was a crossover that apparently didn't need an extra 12-issue series. Sure, we had a Second Coming #1 and #2, but they were a necessary a beginning and a final cap to the story. Yes, we had a couple one-shots and such, but they pissed me off too. Why can't you tell the story in the pages of the books that feature the characters involved in the story? Why put me through all this bullshit?

I know that an event like this involves pretty much every character that matters in the Marvel U, and it would piss me off if the books that featured those characters ignored the current events***coughSCHISMcough*** excuse me...but don't force me to buy extra comics. That means I have to cut other comics out of my pull list just to budget for all this extra crap, and since Marvel is double shippng on three of the comics I read monthly, I'm extra tapped out on cash. Well, guess what, guys? I'm not going to suffer a gap in my X-Factor, Wolverine and the X-Men, or Amazing Spider-Man collections, to buy your stupid event. If I hear good things about it when it's all said and over, I'll think about squeezing your event into my trade budget. As for the rest of you, take a good long look at you pile of Fear Itself tie-ins and resolve to wait until the smoke clears before you start on your 2012 stack of shame.

Locke and Key show???

This is a terrible idea. I hate it. This story is not for live action and never should be butchered in such a way.

I've caught upon Locke & Key as of today, and am anxiously awaiting the final issue of the Clockworks story arc. It has been the most unique and wonderful comics experience in recent memory. Possibly the best comic I've ever read. I'll pretend I didn't hear a rumor that Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez are concluding this masterwork and starting a project at Marvel. I would go on a completely different rant if I startedtalking about that. Instead, I just want to express my disdain for the idea that you would want to disservice this brilliant series with a live action TV adaption. Remember the Silent Hill movie? I do. I hated it, because I loved the first few games so much. I felt that sad feeling that I felt for that movie whileI was watching this trailer. Nobody looks right. The house does not look like the iconic, colonial house from the book. I just can't see this working. The biggest concern is the fact that I was expecting it to be animated. Gabriel Rodriguez' artwork is so perfect for this story, that I can't see it in any other visual medium than he has presented it. In any case, Fox, in it's infinite wisdom, has scrapped this show, but I hear that MTV has expressed interest. Well, MTV, take a hint from your own playbook and present it like the MAXX show from the 90's. Directly ripped from the comic and beautifully animated.

 This show was awesome. It was exactly what the fans of The Maxx wanted in a show about an awesome comic. The comic, but in motion. Not that crap motion comic garbage that Marvel has been making, that look more like fan-made flash movies. This is how comics should be made into shows. Hell, this is how comics should be made into movies. Take Rodriguez' artwork, make it move, and add sounds and voices. Done. Joe Hill won an Eisner for this book, don't make a mockery of it with this show. Do it right. I know you won't listen, powers that be. I also know that IDW and the creators of this comic probably have no influence after the option was sold to a television network. I love your books, and I hope this doesn't ruin it for people who haven't read it.

Frankensein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #7

Ok, let me go on record as saying that I have alot of criticisms for this series thus far, and have completely ignored them in favor of just enjoying the hell out of it, but this last issue of Frankenstein: Agent of SHADE bothered me.

I love Jeff Lemire and pretty much red anything he writes )I'm finally caught up on Sweet Tooth!), and I love Alberto Ponticelli's gestural artwork. My problem with this issue is twofold. I found myself checking the title page several times to make sure that Ponticelli actually penciled this book, and decided that he was either sorely rushed or had a different inker and colorist. The visuals were horrible!

Now, understanding that half of the characters are of the undead persuasion, I risk saying that the pages lacked their usual life. The fact that this trend got progressively worse until the final awful page, tells me that, if Mr. Ponticelli pencils his pages in numerical order, that he was horribly behind schedule.

I could say the same for Batwoman #7, but that's another post entirely. I feel as though the New 52 is loosing steam rapidly, which is really bad for new DC readers. like myself, who were hit with a barrage of exciting new books and adventures, only to taper off after the first story arc. Which leads me to another irk of mine.

Many of the New 52 story arcs don't seem to stick the landing. When we get the trade, it will undoubtedly collect issues #1-6, per industry standard. If this is the first issue of the next story arc, it makes no damned sense. Sure they could collect #1-5 instead, but to hell with paying trade prices for five-issue books. I just bought a Sweet Tooth trade that was eight issues long. EIGHT ISSUES. That's getting your money's worth. I don't know how the New 52 trade structure will pan out, and for most of the books, I'm reading, I'm not sticking around any longer to find out.

I know that comics take time to create. I've taken 5 months to write one issue of my own comic, and it isn't even laid out yet! I don't work for DC, however. So When a monthly title delivers in its first 5 issues and starts to feel rushed in subsequent issues, I feel that it is a momentum that can't be kept and I won't keep reading it.

This issue was a mess from the start and a train wreck at the finish. It took only a few minutes to read, which tells me that the story didn't move much, and in those few minutes, it was a sloppy mucky-muck of muddy artwork. I know Jeff Lemire is a good writer. I also know that Alberto Ponticelli is a marvelous artist. So it makes sense that, togetehr, they should put out an enjoyable sequential story. Well, it seems to me that both of these talents were victims of scheduling. Clearly, the quality that we've seen from this book can't compete with DC's deadlines. maybe they were too busy slapping a new ugly logo on all their books to realize that they were compromising their craft.

It would break my heart to drop this book. I like the creators and want to support them, but there are other creators I respect that I chose not to support this last month, because preordered this hot mess. Publish a week late if you have to, but please publish work that is consistent with what you have shown us prior to this.

The New 52 is falling off the wagon.

I give Frankenstein: Agent of CRAP two lumpy inkers down.

FAIL DC. You have failed these creators.

Locke and Key Vol 1 - Welcome to Lovecraft

The week I get my new Kindle Fire, and Comixology has a sale on all Locke & Key digital comics. I've never read any L&K, but I'd heard good things about it. Well, I bought the first trade for $4.99, which falls well within my I-don't-believe-in-buying-digital-comics-for-more-than-a-dollar-each rule. I read the first issue and went back and bought the remaining 4 volumes. It's really enjoyable.

The story is basically that a 17-year-old kid named Sam Lesser ends up murdering Rendell Locke because he wanted to know the where-abouts of a key that goes to something that we don't know yet. He ends up getting bludgeoned with a brick by Rendell's oldest son, Tyler and sent off to juvenile hall.

Tyler, his sister Kinsey, younger brother Bode and his mother ditch town and move to the town of Lovecraft into a house that has been in the family for awhile. Anyway, Bode opens a door with a black key he found and, upon stepping through the door, is separated from his body and can float around as a ghost while his lifeless husk drools at the door. Well, no one believes him because they assume he is just making stuff up to cope with his father's murder. As a ghost, he starts to find more strange things going on inside and outside of the house. Meanwhile, Sam Lesser escapes from prison and starts his murderous trek across country to finish what he started a year ago.

My summary really does no justice to how well dialogued and laid-out this story is. Gabriel Rodriguez pencils the books and it seems as though this is one of those perfect duos of art/story that I, for one, will remember. It's a thick-line, slightly caricatured style for the characters he draws, on top of a very cohesive and realistic backdrop. It's gorgeous. The big chins on the guys bothered me at first, but as soon as I started reading it, I understood what a perfect fit it was. On the topic, it is very graphic and there is alot of gore and disturbing imagery. This is not for children. I loved it, however.

I can't recommend this series enough and can't wait to start the second volume.

Unfortunately, the %50 of sale that comixology has ended, but I would pay full price for these in a heartbeat.

I give Locke & Key: Welcome to Lovecraft two drunken mothers up and one gaping exit wound to the eye socket also up.

Nook Tablet Vs Kindle Fire for comics

My lovely wife purchased me a Nook Tablet for my 30th birthday and I was extremely excited to receive such a nice gift. I had done some research and decided that I liked the specs on the NT more than those on the Fire. NT has 1gb of memory and Fire had 512mb, so it made more sense to buy the device that had double the memory for the same price. I knew that the Comixology app was available for the Fire, but I figured I could read the comics I bought in the browser on the Nook.

This turned out to be a large overestimation of the NT's browser. It crashes without 2 or 3 pages into a comic and is extremely buggy during normal browsing. It runs Barnes & Noble apps just fine, but the selection of comics is limited to collected editions and even with that, is pretty sparse. I like that they have all volumes of Irredeemable and The Walking Dead, as well as various Marvel, Dark Horse, Archie and IDW trades, but their library seems to be very narrow among that. If you'd like to read any DC material, you are out of luck, since B&N had a falling out with DC and pulled all of their books. This prejudice expands into Dc's Vertigo imprint, too, which is unfortunate, because most of the trades I read are Vertigo.

There's also a few design issues with the unit itself that annoyed me. The expandable SDcard port is tucked behind and under the cute little embellishment on the bottom left corner of the device. You have to open the flap on the back and try to get the card in the space between the little corner bar and the side of the Nook. You have to be a fucking surgeon to succeed. I thought my feminine petite man-hands were just slightly too big, but my gnomish wife also had problems. Then the Nook didn't even register that it was in there. Also, I thought the face plate of my Nook was chipped, only to find out that the tiny ding on the top right of it was actually the microphone. Ugly design choice.

About the browser issues, I was vindicated upon reading message boards on B&N's own website, that many people seemed to be experiencing the same problems. The unfortunate side of this is that I did not see any customer support in the way of providing a fix for the problem, or even responding to these complaints.

I was left very frustrated and had a childish meltdown while trying to use my Nook. I feel horrible that my wife, who bought me a really nice present that I picked out, had to watch me cursing it. I know that apps can be sideloaded onto the device. I know that it can be rooted for total freedom to use third-party apps. I'm not very tech-savvy, so I don't want to deal with working around the devices software to use it the way it should work out of the box. Maybe that's expecting too much, but stay with me.

I took the Nook back to the B&N store and explained my frustration to the Nook guy there. I told him that I wanted to love this Nook and if there was a way that he could show me to enjoy comics on it, I would keep it. To his credit, he was very upfront with me and explained that the in-browser comics I was reading were probably taxing the browser's cache too much and there really wasn't going to be a way to read Comixology-purchased comics without the app. I thanked him for being honest and returned my Nook.


We then went across the street to Best Buy. I played with the demo Kindle Fire they had and was pleased to see that the Comix app provided a wonderful reading experience. The browser still crashes when trying to read the comics in the browser, but I have an app to download and read to my hearts content. The touch screen also seems much more intuitive and scrolling through the apps feels much more fluid than on the NT.

I explained to the gentleman at Best Buy that I liked the Fire, but didn't like that it was half the machine as the NT. Then he enlightened me to the news that the new KF had 1gb of memory, just like the NT. Sold. She bought the Fire, I took it home, and read some Batman. It looked great, and I actually found that I really enjoyed reading digital comics.

It's also very nice having access to a much larger marketplace than being restricted to the apps that B&N offers on their website.

In conclusion, I can say from experience with both devices, that for what I want out of an ereader/tablet the Fire is the winner by far. I don't read many books, so maybe the Nook would be better for someone who doesn't care about comics, but for me, the Nook fails pretty miserably.

I fully endorse the Fire if you are planning on using it to read comics. It's very nice.

And if anyone else tells me 'why don't you just buy an iPad?' someone is gonna get choked.

Avengers Aliens

My guess is that the mysterious alien race in the Avengers movie are the Badoon. The split-second screen shot in the trailer in which we see humanoid invaders leaping from their airborne conveyance to...a splattery death on the pavement of NY's streets, one would assume, have undoubtedly been analyzed by every fanboy who has a voice on the interwebs. They don't look like Skrulls. They don't appear to be Kree. They look like Badoon. I suppose they could be a made-up-for-the-movie race of extraterrestrials, which would be a sensible move by the writers and Mr. Whedon. This would give them total freedom without being chained to continuity. If they are original creations, then they look a helluva lot like Badoon. What do you think? They have the silly head gear, and under the armor in the comic picture, they are reptilian humanoids with loin clothes. For the Horde!

Power Horse Universe reboot!

I was looking at my Power Horse pages that I have done, and I was thinking that they were sub-par. The art was good and all, but I didn't think the story was what I wanted it to be. So, we are rebooting the PHU. Yes, in this never-before-seen maneuver, a comic is being rebooted in the first issue! I've already rewritten the first 5 pages, and I like them much better. No turning back now! Expect a new preview within the next 6 months, at the rate I've been going.

Don't worry. PHtHwHP will be back and better than it was before! Stay tuned for the glorious return of Horse Power!

Treasure!

My wife's grandmother sent me a flat rate box that was full of old comics. This is awesome. In it were an assortment of silver age comics from various publishers. A few noteworthy inclusions were a batch of Classics Illustrated, some Treasure Chest comics, a few Archie, Donald Duck, Road Runner, etc. Basically what the kids read in the late 60's. Some were missing covers, and they were all pretty yellow. Basically the kind of wear to be expected from a box of comics sitting in the attic of a house in southern Louisiana for several decades. In any case, I was thrilled just that she thought of me when she found them and was kind enough to send them to me. I'm really happy to have them and will be reading every one of them.

As I was inspecting them, I noticed that the condition of them was improving as I dug deeper into the box. No doubt they had sat, undisturbed, for years, so the ones on top took the brunt of the moisture and age. To my surprise, I found these two comics at the very bottom of the stack.

Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos #125 and Detective Comics #351. This makes an already awesome acquisition even awesomer. Thanks Mimi!

This Fury comic is so racist. It's hilarious! Look at the teeth on these Viet Cong!

Fucking bitter salad...

I fucking hate tablets. I'm trying to decide which device would suit my digital comic needs the best and I am losing all of my hair trying to decipher the pro/con bullshit. Before you start, I know an iPad would be the best choice, but it's outside of my price range. I'm looking for something in the $200 range that I can read comics on and maybe play some Angry Birds. I want a garden where the comics grow and I don't go broke trying to read them. There is no fence in this garden. If I want a tree that blooms both Comixology and Graphicly apps, then my garden had better be fertile enough to grow it. I don't want bugs in my garden eating up my comic reading experience. I am going back and forth between two different gardens because I'm making a salad. A fucking comic book salad! I'm making a salad and I don't have enough lettuce to get a garden that is nice enough to support every app and function that I like on my salad.

See? This is why I hate digital comics! They make my brain seize up and I end up rattling off comic related salad metaphors!

...

...

......ok. I think it's all out of my system.

As someone who hasn't really figured out this digital comic thing, deciding between a Nook Color and a Kindle Fire is becoming an overwhelming endeavor. I like the Fire because I can run Comixology on it, but I hear that the Fire is buggy. I hear the Nook is less buggy, but you are restricted to the apps that can be bought through Barnes & Noble. Then I also heard about this Idolpad Tablet that is only $100 and has everything I need, but that seems too good to be true. Also, the iPad 3 is coming soon, which means the iPad 2 will be dropping in price, but it's still twice the price of the Kindle or Nook. Then I start doubting that going digital is for me. I've always thought that, but I considered biting the bullet and giving it a try. I fear change. I will always buy print for certain comics, but I don't know what route to take.

Does anyone have suggestions?

CBM Oscars

The Oscars bore the shit out of me because all I see are comic book movies and they don't make it to the awards very often. So I'm gonna have a beer and do my own Oscars for best of all time. I know I'm going to piss people off, but you can't please everyone. As Lewis Black says "This is my opinion. Some people may disagree with me, and they're wrong". Let's see who wins the Golden Surfer statues!

Best actor playing a super-hero nominees:
Patrick Stewart - Professor Xavier
Christopher Reeves - Superman/Clark Kent
Michael Keaton - Batman/Bruce Wayne
Alan Cumming - Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner
Christian Bale - Batman/Bruce Wayne
Michael Chiklis - Ben Grimm/The Thing
Robert Downey Jr. - Tony Stark/Iron Man
Kelsey Grammer - Hank McCoy/Beast
Ron Perlman - Hellboy
Carla Gugino - Sally Jupiter/The Silk Spectre
Winner: Robert Downey Jr 
Sorry, Batman. Tony Stark is fresher in my mind, so this perfect casting that brought CBMs back from the dead for me wins it.

Best actor playing an antihero nominees:
Brandon Lee - Erik Draven/ The Crow
Vincent Perez - Ashe Corven/ The Crow
Jackie Earle Haley - Rorschach
Jeffrey Dean Morgan - The Comedian
Michael Fassbender- Eric Lensherr/Magneto
Edward Norton - Bruce Banner
Winner: Michael Fassbender
I'm trying to pay tribute to living actors, but Brandon Lee put up a hell of a performance as Eric Draven. Fassbender just so well as a good man who was put through something that ruined his idea of humanity. Well done.

Best actor playing a villain nominees:
Jack Nicholson - The Joker
Heath Ledger - The Joker
Willem Defoe - Norman Osborn/Green Goblin
Alfred Molina - Dr. Otto Octavius/Doc Ock
Gene Hackman - Lex Luthor
Ian McKellan - Magneto
Hugo Weaving - Johann Shmidt/The Red Skull
Tom Hiddleston - Loki
Winner: Heath Ledger
I feel bad for Tom Hiddleston, because he makes a great Loki, and maybe my opinion will change once I see Avengers, but Ledger's Joker beats everything I've seen thus far.

Best comic book movie:
Batman
The Dark Knight
X2
Captain America: The First Avenger
Iron Man
The Crow
Watchmen
Hellboy
Winner: The Dark Knight
This movie was amazing in a time when CBMs are really starting to become more impressive. I'm excited to see the final chapter this year.

Well, dinner's ready, so that's all for now.

Too Often or Not Enough - Episode 3

Changes to creative teams.
So, the breakout hit if the New 52 is getting a new artist. Travel Foreman is leaving Animal Man and Steve Pugh is making his return to the character. Now, I hadn't seen Pugh's artwork, so I had to look him up. I like his art, but I feel that Foreman's unique style is a big part of what cemented this title as a frontrunner. Now, I have faith in Jeff Lemire as a writer and I am certain that the book will continue to intrigue, but I feel that we have lost an extremely dynamic writer/artist duo. I understand that Travel Foreman is dealing with some loss in his personal life, and I can't fault him for getting burnt out, but it brings to mind other series that have drastically changed tone with the transition between artists.

Different artists aren't always a bad thing, and there needs to be change sometimes in order to get those memorable titles, but I find that we get changes too often. I miss the days that we would have one consistant artist for years. Here's some notable changes that have happened over the years that I feel have affected a comic for better or worse.

X-Men Volume 2 and Uncanny X-men

Now here is an interesting transition. Jim Lee had been drawing Uncanny for a long time and really defined the type of X-Men stories we got to see in the late 80's and early 90's. Then when the new X-men book arrived, it was easy to read, because Jim Lee was the artist. However, where we gained a great new book with great familiar art, what happened to to the original book? Uncanny X-Men #281. You know the cover. I has Jean and Storm and Colossus battling sentinels with art by Whilce Portacio. I sorry if I offend anyone, but I HATE this art. I dropped Journey Into Mystery when he came onboard halfway through Fear Itself. I really just can't look at it. I read adjectiveless X-Men exclusively at this point. It's kind of like what's happening now with Regenesis. I hate the art on Uncanny, and love it on Wolverine and the X-Men. To the point of hating the stories. It was supposed to be a brand new era, but it just falls flat.

X-Force 1991

Those of us in my particular age range remember the speculative days of the early 90's. When Rob Liefeld took over New Mutants, I'm sure it was an exciting new change. I fell for it, and it made sense that Rob would be drawing the book that replaced it, X-Force. I know it's easy to jump on the Liefeld hate train, so i will. Comics readers are going to look back on this era and wonder what the hell we were thinking. In any case, I was reading through my old X-Force collection and getting ready to swallow a bottle of pills, when I realized that the art takes a distinct turn around issue 20. I recognize this! Like, it looks like something from recent memory. This can't be. This is 90's X-Force! It is not something that should be appreciated artistically. So who is this mystery artist that saved this book from fading into crappy obscurity along with parachute pants and grunge? Only one of the best artists of today, who is getting praised by everyone for a book that is on everyone's radar from the New 52. I'm talking about Batman artist Greg Capullo. It was a time warp seeing his name on my 1993 X-Force comic. This is an example of an excellent change of art.

So, artistic change is not always a bad thing. I just feel like it is not always well planned. In the case of Animal Man, it's something that is a special case. The artist has personal things that need his attention, I understand. It just reminded me of the times when changes in art are editorial in nature. You don't go from Jim Lee to Whilce Portacio, and you do go from Rob Liefeld to Greg Capullo. Unfortunately, I don't think you can go anywhere from Travel Foreman. His style is too unique and perfectly suited to Jeff Lemire's Animal Man to avoid anxiety with his departure from the title. We'll miss you, Buddy(pun intended). FYI, as you all probably have heard, Trav can be followed over to Birds of Prey, so show your support and pick up his new book, but don't stop buying Animal Man, because Jeff Lemire is killing on that book. Also, put in your preorders for Frankenstein to keep it around for awhile because this is another example of how Lemire is a wonderful writer and I want him to continue to get work.

Comic Book Day!

So, I got home to a lovely dcbservice.com box on my doorstep. My comics came in for the last month and I realized that I forgot to order Wolverine and The X-Men #3. Turds. This would normally be the time that I list off all the comics that I got and rate them on my anticipation. However, I am leaving for Hawaii tomorrow at noon, and I don't have time to read my comics, let alone list them. I wouldn't dare bring them to the beach, either. I guess that's one point for digital comics.

See ya suckers!

First round of DC cuts - Mine are safe

Of the New 52 DC titles released last September, I am currently reading six. DC has announced that six titles will be cut after an evaluation of sales. I wasn't particularly worried about five of the titles I read, but Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. may not be for everyone, so I was a little worried. While titles that were met with poor criticism will stay based solely on name alone(Green Arrow, Detective Comics, Teen Titans, etc),  some of the cuts still confuse me. I'm not surprised that Blackhawks and Mister Terrific are being cut. I didn't read them, and I heard they were terrible. I'm not sure what to think about Men at War being cut. It seemed like most people I heard from were generally positive and it was one of the only war books DC launched. Static Shock surprises me slightly, because I know there are diehard fans out there, just maybe not enough to hold sales at a decent amount.

What surprised me the most is the cancellation of O.M.A.C. and Hawk and Dove. Now, I am no huge fan of Rob Leifeld, but he has a pretty strong following from what I see on the interwebs. There are people on message boards that will defend his silly artwork to the teeth. Everyone that I've heard talk about O.M.A.C. has said that it's a super-fun book. I really did not expect to see it on the chopping block first. Maybe this is Dan Didio's way of telling his staff that nobody is safe if they don't pull the numbers that are expected and as an act of good faith, he let his own book be chopped.

These cancellations are not simply disappearing into the ether to leave teh New 52 as the New 46. Oh no, sir. We are getting a new round of books. Among others, DC is launching yet another Batman Book. I'm not sure why this one was held for the second round, because I hear that Batman Inc. is a high seller. We will also be getting Earth 2, World's Finest, The Ravagers, G.I. Combat, and the only one that looks mildly interesting to me, Dial H.

I feel like the only cancellation that really bothers me is DC's logo cancellation.
This is the current logo:

 

And this is the prospective logo:

 

To put it lightly, I think the new logo sucks. The old one is less than a decade old and it was strong. Personally, I liked the one from the 80's and 90's:

Too often or not enough - Episode 2 - Renumbered!

So I received my Wolverine #300 in the mail yesterday. Which is funny, because I received my Wolverine #20 about a month ago. I'm going to have to call Marvel again and tell them that they failed to ship me over two decade's worth of comics. Those silly bastards. Why is this necessary? Is it because you prematurely renumbered and renamed the Wolverine series several times for no particular reason? This is a conversation I imagined they had at Marvel between an intern that has too much time on his hands and someone in management:

Intern:  "Hey, if you never renumbered Wolverine, we'd be on issue 300."

Management:  "Actually, this IS issue #300, you just don't know it yet."

Intern:  "Why are we doing that?"

Management:   "Because we will get to stick a $4.99 cover price on it and sell a shit ton of them to retailers who will over-order them because of speculation, and only sell a third of them."

Intern:  "So will this still be volume 3?"

Management:  "No, no. This is volume 1."

Intern:  "That makes no sense."

Management:  "YOU MAKE NO CENTS! YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!"

Intern:  "But I'm not even on the payroll. That pun carries no weight."

Management:  "SNIKT!"

I predict similar conversations from the Uncanny X-men department around about Issue #56 when they reach the point in which they can call it Uncanny X-Men #600 NOW ONLY $9.99! It doesn't make any sense because nothing has changed really. Wolverine #300 starts where Wolverine #20 left off. Jason Aaron is still writing for it. This renumbering is completely unnecessary. 

Next thing you know, we will be celebrating every change in creative team with a new #1. Better yet, why don't we just start every story arc at #1. That will make these comics much easier to archive!. I get the reason why we have different volumes of the same comic, just fucking stick to it when you make a change and don't fuck up my longbox with this renumbering garbage. You want to see a screwed up chronology? Look at volume one of Journey Into Mystery. It just skips about 120 issues randomly, and then it does it again!

Wolverine will never have an issue #299. Uncanny X-Men will never have an issue #545. X-Factor will never have an issue #151-199. Am I the only obsessive compulsive lunatic that is infuriated by this impulsive numbering system that Marvel has? I would rather read 52 #1 issues in one month than read one more issue that is a multiple of 100. Stop it or I will hit you with a rolled up Fantastic Four #600.

Avengers vs X-Men - Let's make an event!

In case you were wondering, it's coming. I'll get you a towel.

This wonderfully original promo for Marvel's mega-event of 2012 uses an uninspired catchphrase that is giving me a weird feeling of deja vu. I believe that I read this same phrase last year in X-Men: Prelude to Schism #1, right before I vomited. Are we going to be treated to five Prelude to Avengers Vs X-Men books in which both teams will be standing around lamenting over an imminent threat? Will there be intriguing and cryptic dialogue such as "It's coming", and "There's nothing we can do to stop it", and "It's already here" only to never actually figure out what "IT" is? That would be spiffy.

Also, the premise of this event is so unexpected! Good guys fighting...other good guys? Why is this happening? Is this some kind of misunderstanding? What a curious turn of events that we've never seen a thousand times. I wonder if this is some nefarious plot that some super-villains from both sides of the rogue's gallery cooked up in order to distract our heroes from another evil plot. I wonder if the villains will secretly try to double-cross each other while the heroes ultimately come together and prevail. That would be so cool and unexpected.

What's more sloppy about this is that the X-Men roster has spilled over onto the Avenger's so much, that I can't tell who is on what team anymore. Ok, so Wolverine is an Avenger, but also has his own X-men. Will we see Wolverine and the X-men fight Avengers? Also, there's Beast who has both team affiliations, and Storm just joined the Avengers, but she is still one of the key members of Cyclops' X-Men. So what? Is she going to quit right after joining. And T'Challa is on the Avengers, but he is married to Storm, so what the hell is that all about? This is all supposed to create intrigue, but it only creates diarrhea. Expensive, drawn-out, unsatisfying diarrhea, that leaves you feeling used and violated. At least after buying these comics I'll have something to wipe with.

But you know what really pisses me off? The promos.
I was just looking through a couple, and now I have to post all of them.

Spider-Woman VS Gambit
So, here we see our Rajun Cajun squaring off against Spider-Woman. Ok, I guess you gotta fight somebody. Now, I'm one of the few and proud Gambit fans (hence Lebeau2501), but what's he going to do? Spill gumbo in her hair and hit her with his roux paddle (bo staff skills) while she searches Manhatten for a Paul Mitchell boutique? Seriously, and I'm going to use the word seriously in every critique of every one of these promos, what were they thinking? This also tells us that Wolverine's X-men will be involved as well as Cyclops', which makes no sense in this post-Schism universe. I give this pair-up two pink aces down, and one Humberto Ramos up.

Thing Vs Colossus, A.K.A. The New Juggernaut
So, Thing would not have been my first choice to square against a newly Cyttorak-empowered Colossonaut. Being as Piotre is the X-side's heaviest muscle, I would have paired him with Red Hulk. What happens when an unstoppable force meets a giant red beefcake? Wanton destruction and melee fun, that's what. What happens when that force meets a giant orange rock man? Pebbles. Seriously. So who, pray tell, do we see the Hulk representative take on? Oh, only the most OBVIOUS choice.

(Green?) Hulk VS The White Queen
Of course! The White Queen! Because why not? Also, shouldn't this Hulk be red? Where is T-Bolt Ross? I thought Green Hulk was off playing with moloids and fighting his psychotic alter-ego. This makes no sense and I see mind-control happening. I seriously think they pulled these pair-ups out of a hat.

Spider-Man VS Iceman
This makes sense. The wise-cracking teen hero versus the wise-cracking teen hero. Plus Spidey takes on various elementals all the time in his normal gig. Why don't we get Hydro-Man and Sandman to join the fray so we can have a seriously chilly beach party. On a side note, why is Spider-Man's name hyphenated, and Sandman's isn't? Never could figure that one out.

Luke Cage VS Beast
Aside from both of these guys both having Avengers affiliation, this also kind of makes sense from a powers standpoint. Both are super-strong, and assuming Henry's agility will balance out with Luke's superior invulnerability, this should make for a pretty good match. I could see this turning into a status thing, though. Luke Cage will say something "street" and Hank will quote Shakespeare. Then education and demographics will be brought up and this will end up being a sad demonstration of racial misunderstanding. I seriously have nothing else to say about this.

Ms Marvel VS Rogue
I see where this is going. I see what you did there. What could be more interesting than Rogue battling her old nemesis Carol Danvers? The same story as we saw in the 80's, only with more of Ms Marvel's ass cheeks. We seriously need Scott Campbell to draw this.

Iron Man VS Magneto
Seriously? Really? How is this even valid? Magneto, the master of magnetism versus Iron Man, the powerless man encased in metal. This is going to get messy. Magneto wins. Fatality.

Black Widow VS Psylocke
This is seriously the only match-up that makes any sense. Scott Campbell needs to draw this one, too. I'll settle for Leinil Yu.

Cap VS Wolverine
So I guess all X-men who have Avengers status will be suspended for this event. It seriously makes sense considering that both of these men are products of the Weapon Plus program, but in the grand scheme of this event, all is silly.

Daredevil VS Angel...er Archangel?
This seriously pisses me off. Not just because I hate that Daredevil is on a team now and it's going to spill over onto an otherwise amazing solo book, but this also gives away that Angel will once again be Archangel. So, not only does it remind me about Mark Waid's amazing portrayal of Daredevil being in jeopardy, it also throws the last 19 amazing issues of X-Force that Rick Remender painstakingly set up in the shitter. This bothers me on a very deep level. Only slightly more than this next one.

Thor VS Storm
Hey, guess what everyone! Thor's alive and well! Spoiled! I guess I can just throw the next few issues of The Mighty Thor in the garbage when they arrive. There are few things that annoy me more than character deaths being treated so absent-mindedly. We know Thor is coming back, and that his fifth or how ever many deaths he's had means nothing to you people, but don't rub our noses in it and ask us to inhale this shit. This event is on my shit list. You're off the hook, Fear Itself.